Perspective

I have several blogs at WordPress for a number of purposes, mostly about books and writing. So I get their articles on my reader every morning, but I confess, I almost never read them.

This morning as I communed with my whole grain waffles, I read one, and there was an article about a transgendered little girl that really grabbed my heart. I sent her out waves of loving-kindness, and strength in a world that doesn’t know how to, or might not even want to, love her.

It made me think a lot about the things I worry about: whether I’m meeting my goals, whether I’m making changes in my life the way I want to. And I realize, reading this girl’s story, thinking about the challenges she faces ahead of her, the real threats to her happiness, even her life, and I realize: my problems aren’t really that bad. Of course, my stuff is serious, it’s my stuff and my life, but for the moment none of it is going to threaten my life. When I go for a walk down the street, someone might judge me or tease me for being fat (a fun irony I’ve always appreciated. People judge me for being fat, but they also judge me for doing things that will help me stop being fat. That’s hate logic for you.), but the chances are good they’re not going to jump out of the car and beat me down for it.

I may be taking a voluntary journey to understand who I am and the direction I want to go, but I don’t have to worry about living in a culture that not only doesn’t embrace, but often actively reviles that journey. Living your most authentic life should mean ANY life, as long as it harms no one else. It’s no one else’s business, frankly, and people who rant and rave against certain journeys need to look within at their own suffering and self-hatred, and stop spewing it out on innocent others.

I feel for this little girl, and I wish for her all the happiness and causes of happiness in this life, and the love and strength to face adversity. I hope to hang on to this perspective when my own path seems impossible.

Source: Seven years old, stealth, and scared

15 Things You Should Give Up to Be Happy

I’m working on today’s regular post, but I wanted to share this list, sent to me by a friend/reader, first. I don’t take credit for it, and she’s not sure where it came from, but I like it. (Addendum: this list was most likely created by The Purpose Fairy,  Luminita Saviuc. It originated in an article on her site, and I believe there is a book about it now!)

15 Things You Should Give Up to Be Happy

1. give up your need to always be right.
2. give up your need for control.
3. give up on blame.
4. give up on your self-defeating self-talk.
5. give up your limiting beliefs.
6. give up complaining,
7. give up the luxury of criticism.
8. give up your need to impress others.
9. give up your resistance to change.
10. give up labels.
11. give up your fears.
12. give up your excuses.
13. give up the past.
14. give up attachment.
15. give up living your life to other people’s expectations.

Discuss. I will after the break.

Day Six: Pain

Today, let me talk about pain. (That reminds me of the meme, “Let me sing you the song of my people.”)

Day Five: FAIL

I “failed” yesterday. I let myself fall back into old, easy habits, and managed not to move forward. I didn’t track my food, purposefully, because I ate an entire box of baked mozzarella cheese sticks, and my subconscious decided it wasn’t as bad if I didn’t write it down. Or at least, it would be easier not to punish myself for it next week when I haven’t lost weight if I can’t go back and say, “hey, that’s right, I ate all those mozzarella sticks last Tuesday.” And yes, eating just one high fat snack like that can ensure that I don’t lose any weight this week, or even that I might gain a point. Thanks, endocrine issues. (You may also notice my disordered eating and body image there. It’s not just anorexics and bulimics who judge and punish themselves for “eating wrong,” it’s also part of compulsive/addictive eating as well.)

I also didn’t do any stretches or yoga. I didn’t do any writing besides this blog. I failed all around. The only thing I managed to accomplish was meditation before bed, and even that I didn’t do sitting up with proper posture — I pretty much laid in the comfy position that I sleep in, and only did a “scan” meditation (which is going over different parts of your body one by one and relaxing them.)

Yes, I know how terrible those entire paragraphs are, and the thought patterns that led to it. Failure is the ultimate negative mindset, and the entire purpose of this journey I’m on is to change my negatives to positives.

Should I Track the Days Forever?

Will I need to go back to the last post every time I make a new one in order to make sure I number this one correctly?I’m not sure if numbering the days of my journey makes it more meaningful or more tedious. I’m not exactly on a twelve-step program where each day has been a struggle, and each successfully survived day a precious gift…

Hm…maybe it actually is. I’m trying to make major changes in my life: my health, my attitude, my actions in the world. Every inch forward sometimes feels like pulling a tractor-trailer with a chain between my teeth. And so…

Day Three: The First Monday

There’s so much to talk about, I don’t even know where to start. In fact, I’ll have to type out the topics so I don’t forget any. (Later note: I was exactly right — the usual chaos of my household overtook my blog writing, so I’m back hours later.)

Last night before I went to bed, I watched Meditate and Destroy, a movie about the absolutely fascinating meditation and Buddhism teacher, Noah Levine, the author of Dharma Punx, Against the Stream, and other revolutionary writings about these seemingly esoteric topics. I can’t recommend his teachings enough for people who think meditation and Buddhism are only for stoned out fluffy hippies. He’s about as far from a hippie as you can get — literally.

Anyway, I’ve been saying one of my goals was picking up my meditation practice again. I gave it up about the same time I stopped going to yoga, when I had to stop working because of my worsening illness. It was one of the worst decisions I ever made. Even when I was having so many health problems, when I was trapped in a job that cared neither about me or my well-being, no matter how bad things got, my meditation and yoga practices made everything easier to deal with. Especially yoga. When I could afford it, I went to up to four classes a week, and did a daily routine at home.

Now, I think it’s time to start again. I did meditate last night before bed, however briefly. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single toe wiggle!

Day Two: A Challenge

I woke up this morning feeling okay, but I did as I usually do — I got right out of bed, went to the bathroom, and walked into  the middle of one of my family’s “Not a Fights” when everybody is yelling and snapping at each other. (I call them “not a fights” because if I point out later that they’ve been arguing or fighting, they insist they weren’t, they were just “discussing.) I tried to make a joke. I got snapped at — and I fell into my usual pattern there, too. I snapped back. But then I removed myself, because I don’t know how to deal with these situations that can never be smoothed over until the most volatile member of my family smooths them over. It is that person who determines the emotional tone of the household, and the other person always backs up their mean, childish behavior, allowing it to continue.

It’s never too late to change.

For a long time, I’ve been frozen. Boxed in to a life that was making me miserable, and I was so run down by the things that had happened in my life that I couldn’t find the will or the strength to change. Now I’m 45 years old, and I see that time is rushing past, and I’m missing it because of the limitations of my mind and body. Now is the time to fight for my life, reach for the dreams that should buoy me, but have been making me depressed because I thought I could never achieve them.

Thinking about that, I realized it was the attitude of “I can’t…” that was holding me down. Yes, I have some conditions that make things “normal” people do more difficult. Yes, I am in a living situation that limits some of my behavior. Yes, I don’t have much money since I can’t work full time.

BUT… there are people in far worse situations that still manage to live happy, full lives. I need to turn my sarcastic negativity card in for a snappy new positivity one! I have to stop sinking, and start rising!

This is a personal journal where I can talk about my everyday life, my successes and failures toward trying to find that strong inner spirit I once had before I let pain and illness beat me down. I’ll be posting all kinds of things, from quotes to information, from analysis of books, movies and TV shows, to information about the conditions that I deal with every day. I may have good days where I laugh and share fun things. There will be bad times when I come here to cry and complain. One thing you can count on, this will be an uncensored look inside one woman’s difficult life. I hope you’ll come along for the journey.

Please always feel free to comment or share — but flames and trolls will be exterminated.