Day Eleven: Difficult People

Let’s start with the 30 Day Challenge first, because then I’ll move on to a different kind of challenge.

Three Things I’m Thankful For

Free Will — In most matters, I have the ability to choose which way I go. Ultimately, the way I live and the way I feel is in my hands. There are limitations, of course, but everybody has something. At least I know that no one is going to shoot me or throw me in jail for the kinds of things I want to do.
Electricity — Another weird one, I know, but… just look around at all the things in our lives that simply wouldn’t be possible without electricity.
The Big Bang — Talk about possibility. We’d be sort of… non-existence without the originating event of the universe!

One Meaningful Thing That Happened to Me in the Past 24 Hours

I’ll talk about this more today, and it took me a while to decide that it was meaningful, and a blessing — I was challenged by my difficult relationship…

with my Mother. It has always been one of the biggest personal difficulties in my life, and it has caused us both a lot of misery. Today was the first time I felt like it was something I could learn from, that my mother might be the most important teacher on my path that I currently have in my life.

Day Three: Reach Out to Someone You Know and Praise Them

Honestly, I tried to reach out to my mother, give her a hug and say something kind (and true — on the Path, untrue speech is a no-no) and was firmly rebuffed with a lecture about needing to find more freelance work. Instead of just letting it go with compassion and loving-kindness, I asked why she thought the appropriate response to a hug and “I love you,” was to ask if I was looking for a job. She started to give the same explanation — money, etc. etc. My mother is very focused on money, and not much else makes her proud, happy, or interested. A person’s value is related directly to their income.

SO I turned to my cousin on Facebook. She has put together a wonderful family reunion this weekend in celebration of my aunt and uncle’s 50th wedding anniversary this weekend. She does Thanksgiving every year (although we don’t always go — it can be a hike), and her get togethers are always great. I praised her for it and thanked her for inviting us.

My mother and I have… oh, let’s not pussyfoot around… we have no relationship except a terrible one. We don’t relate unless we’re arguing, or she’s verbally blasting me. In the past few years I’ve begun to just walk away — over the years, I’ve learned that I’m wasting energy and happiness on a battle that can never be won.

I don’t need to get into much detail. I’m sure you got the point from the bit of example I gave above. I finally just walked away from that particular event, and it was minor one. And not even the first one today. It gets worse and worse as we get older.

I know that she’s a very unhappy person — I can’t remember a time in my life when she wasn’t. When whatever I was doing didn’t elicit some kind of negative response. She has made it clear that I have been nothing but a burden and a disappointment since I developed a mind of my own and could make my own decisions.

Anyway, working on a more positive attitude means I have to keep my equanimity in these incredibly difficult situations with my mother. I can’t change her, I can’t change the situation, I can only change my response to it. I know three of my weaknesses that are at the root of my struggle: my need to share pretty much anything that comes into my head, my tendency to be a know-it-all, and my habit of “right-fighting.”

There’s a major one that I finally internalized today that I don’t think I ever really did before. I mean, I’ve read it, I’ve known it intellectually, but today I KNEW:

I HAD TO STOP EXPECTING THINGS (HER) TO BE OTHER THAN THEY (SHE IS) ARE.

I’ve actually been doing a lot of reading lately about destructive/broken mother-daughter relationships. How it’s not uncommon for us to have an expectation of what we think just an average mother should be… and we keep being disappointment that she doesn’t even meet those minimum expectations. And looking at it right now, I realize that my mother probably feels the same way about me, and we just keep going around and around, being disappointed, hurt, and not liking each other. I see my friends with these great relationships with their moms — they’re friends. My mother and I can only stand to be in the same room together when we have to, and no more than an hour at a time unless there’s some distracting activity that assures we aren’t forced to interact.

I can’t even say that I’m jealous or envious of my friends, because that kind of relationship seems utterly alien to me. While they look forward to taking care of their mothers, I dread the day when I’ll have to. I don’t think I can — although I suspect that a major goal of my practice is learning to give loving kindness and compassion anyway. It is going to be hard work. But it has to be done. Loving-kindness meditation starts with loving self, then spreads outward to people you care about, then outward to people you actively dislike, and finally, around all living things everywhere. It’s an important lesson.

Today, I didn’t act particularly skillfully in the two challenging situations. But two MORE skillful (than before, at least) actions that I took were: doing my mother a favor with her computer, even though she didn’t understand and kept insisting I was wrong, and not only didn’t thank me, but was angry that I had done it; and before a real argument about my employment situation could start, I simply walked away. Okay, that might not be skillful, but it is infinitely better than digging in and fighting until I won… which would be never.

So in becoming more POSITIVE, I can say that today was FILLED WITH LESSONS AND CHALLENGES. It’s easy to go through life just avoiding anything unpleasant. But change will never happen that way. So I will thank my mom (in my head — it would just start a new fight if I tried to explain it to her in person) for being an unknowing teacher on my Path.

“Difficult people can teach us patience. If we are sincere about working on ourselves—decreasing our ego, anger, and other delusions, and increasing patience, love, and other positive qualities—then someone who arouses our anger is like a teacher, giving us a chance to learn that we still have a lot of work to do. Think of a time when difficulties with another person taught you important lessons. Resolve that when you again encounter problems with people, you will use these as opportunities for growth. It’s possible that you may end up feeling grateful for the difficult people in your life!”—Kathleen McDonald, Awakening the Kind Heart